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Classic Spam: From Russia (?) with love (??)

The bottom line: I'm very sorry, but beautiful and loving girls do not send e-mail messages promising romance to complete strangers. The spam shown here almost surely represents an example of a scam similar to the Nigerian advance-fee fraud, where the lonely male sucker is placed in contact with what he imagines is a nice little Russian sweetheart; “she” (we have no assurance that the writer is in fact a female) then proceeds to hit him up for money, credit card numbers, etc., with manipulative e-mails about medical and personal problems. You can report these (including the e-mail drops) or you can safely ignore them.

Hello! My name is Yekaterina. I'm 27 years old and I'm from Russia. I live in Russia now and work as an English teacher at school. Unfortunately it's impossible to find a worthy man here, so, that's why I decided to search my secong half through the Internet. Maybe it sounds silly, but I want to find my love so much! I want to tell that I'm not looking for the man who is reach with money, but with soul and heart. If you are interested by my letter, than please, write me an answer on my e-mail address: @mail.ru I will wait for your respond with impatience and hope!

My verivat’ Yekaterina,

How grateful am I to have received your charming e-mail, and how deeply moved I feel when I realize that was it me you chose, among so many millions of men, in whom to confide your feelings in such a winsome and affectionate fashion!

Of course, my darling ploskogubtsy, you must be aware that I receive dozens of similar petitions of romantic intent every month, most from nubile young blond corn-fed American co-eds with webcams and two-syllable names that end in “i” (Brandi, Kitti, Cyndi, and so on), so I fancy that I must be greatly in demand among the fairest of the Fair Sex. It is therefore incumbent upon me to be stingy with my replies, then, lest through doltish inadvertence I break the hearts of so many sweet young things.

But fret not, my little borodovoska: for your warm heart must surely gladden when you learn that yours is the very first message of this nature that I have yet seen fit to favor with a reply. And, that this reply is made in so public a forum as a website — well, you really must forgive me, charming pochka, it’s merely that I want to share my good fortune with all my gentle readers.

I must thank you as well for the photograph you sent, my charming shnuroki; it shows you to be as beautiful and exotic and — dare I stoop to such a crude colloquialism — sexy as your words show you to be sweet and sincere. You have not shown me your pink nipples nor your ivorine badonka-donk (nor anything more inconceivable) as most of the ladies in these messages are wont to do, a fact that marks you as a charmingly demure woman of mystery.

Um, yes, mystery — let’s talk about that for a moment, my forel. For, as I made a careful perusal of the less-visible portions of your message — forgive me, sweet kartoska, it is an unbreakable habit of mine when I receive messages from strangers from so far away — I must confess that I succumbed to more than a little confusion. Here is what I found when I so brusquely rifled the drawers of your message:

Received: from -1228985128 (201.32.220.87)
  by sv3pub.verizon.net (MailPass SMTP server v1.2.0 - 112105154401JY+PrW)
  with SMTP id <2-21913-17-21913-123878-1-1139408115> for
  vms045pub.verizon.net; Wed, 08 Feb 2006 08:15:49 -0600
Received: from t-online.de (-1216832400 [-1230392936])
  by 20132220087.user.veloxzone.com.br (Qmailv1) with ESMTP id 838951D638 for
< hidden >; Wed, 08 Feb 2006 18:15:21 -0800

It seems that your message came to me by way of IP addfress 201.32.220.87, which some arrant cad misidentified with the woefully-invalid HELO name -1228985128. Furthermore, this IP address hails (so tells me IP-whois) from a network block belonging to Telemar, a Brazilian ISP. Not that I doubt you, darling (perhaps you were wintering on the beach in Ipanema as you wrote me), but I fear for your finding yourself in a domain from which so many scoundrels have sent so much of the most odious imaginable spam, messages that would turn your long jet hair the color of your wallpaper were I to explicate them to you in any sort of detail.

The miscreants who vouchsafed your message to me, dear one, also compounded their error by adding a rankly fictitious routing line that uses more of those strange negative integers, which seem to be their unsuccessful attempts (using incorrect sprintf formats, no doubt) to render the dotted-quad IP addresses from which they would like me to imagine the message to have come.

And then, too, little vertolet of my eye, there is the small matter of your having given one e-mail address in the From: field, and a completely different one in the body of your message. Yes, little krysa, you too are to shoulder some of the vexation! I was not born suspicious, but time and travail have made me so; and when I find so many things amiss in such a simple communication, my heart invariably succumbs to my head and I must abandon the hopes held forth to me by the message. My darker, more cynical nature tells me that this must surely be some sort of trick, an attempt to lure me into schemes that would leave me yet unmated, but far less “reach with money” (as your charming English-teacher phrasing would have it).

And so, you see, my little black-maned bobr, it can never be; it is with bitter tears of regret that I must decline your most heartfelt entreaty. I wish you all the best in your search for your “secong half” (sic); I’m sure that if you continue to send out mail in this manner, you will find at least a few “worthy men” who are innocent and unheeding enough to vie for your companionship (and I wish them every bit of the luck they’re going to need).

Yours sincerely,

--rick

verivat’ :: exploding; ploskogubtsy :: pliers; borodovoska :: wart; pochka :: kidney; shnuroki :: shoelace; forel :: trout; kartoska :: potato; vertolet :: helicopter; krysa :: rat; bobr :: beaver



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Updated: Sat, 18 Aug 2007